… and I ought to be studying. I’ve turned in all but one last exam. It’s a three-parter that will be 45% of my grade. And I’m just not sure I’m ready to tackle it. Or even tackle studying for it. I’m just ready to be done. I’ve not felt this spent in a long time.
It’s not that I don’t have any ideas. God knows I do. But they are all pointing toward things that have nothing to do with what needs doing.
I can’t write for work because I’m distracted by the more interesting aspects of my job- the places where I see connections to be made and progress through strategic change… but that’s not the deadline I’m facing.
I can’t settle into schoolwork because I’m distracted by the things that are happening in the broader church that I’m preparing to work in. I’m finding ideas and building networks and getting that “other education” which seems so much more critical right now than becoming intimate with the Book of Order and Book of Confessions.
Don’t get me wrong- I am a big fan of both. But I am not a big fan of tests that expect me to memorize and quote chunks of books. There is something about the way my brain works that doesn’t remember words on a page. I can pull up images of music I learned years ago, can picture exactly where things are on my desk at work and even drive you to all sorts of neighborhoods by landmark. I can remember stories, characters and complex narratives with relative ease. But I can’t point you to chapters, verses or subsections. It’s just not me.
Yes, I know, you can practice and improve your memory.
Yes, I know, putting in the time is important.
Yes, I know, there is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But I also know me. After a Bachelor of Arts, a Bachelor of Science and most of a Master’s degree, I know what sorts of exams allow me to shine and what sort of exams are not a true measure of my capabilities. I am afraid that this will be one of the latter because of the nature of the books allowed and disallowed.
But at least this is only going to make a difference in my grade (and GPA), not keep me from certification for ordination. That will come later.