>Life is just nuts

>I was going to start going to the Y again this month. Really.

And all of a sudden it’s about to be next month. Really?

I’m not sure I’m cut out for all the crazy that is mom, student, employee, intern, wife, bill-payer, friend, daughter, sister, and um… fifteen other roles.

I love all of them, really. But I am just done. Or undone. It’s hard to know. I want to be ok and competent, but the reality is that I am worried about the kid, the hubby and the work that will have to happen for us to be a healthy family. It’s hard to track with everything else while I’m thinking about treatment and copayments and finding the right careproviders, and the things that keep popping up like whack-a-moles.

I am beginning to see why families fall apart over chronic illnesses, particularly mental illness or disorder. It’s a lot to deal with, which doesn’t leave much time for the being a family part.

Lord, help me to be present and less worried about being good. At whatever.
Help me to listen, laugh, cry and sing as I did before.
Help me not to hold anything back from you, from him, from myself.
Help me to feel your embrace in those moments that seem more like I’m dangling.
Let me turn to you first and always.
Help me lift my eyes from my own pit to the horizon, where the sun still rises and where the sun will continue to set.
Remind me of all that you have done for your people and for this daughter in days gone by.
Remind me of all that you promise…
to catch all my tears, to renew my strength, to watch over each step, to provide for my needs, to be my healer, to send the comforter and to remain sovereign for all time.
In the name of the son you gave so that I might know what true love looks like.
May all this and more be so.

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