Today is Sunday

And I am home from church after a lovely lunch with my boys and mom.

I am thankful for the healing taking place in my young man’s heart and mind. I am thankful for the many blessings that this time of crisis and pain has brought to me personally and to my family. God has been even more gracious than I dared imagine to surround me with people that I know are truly praying for our little clan.
And yet, there is sadness. Sadness that is wrapped up in brokenness and failed attempts at reconciliation and in shattered trust. Sadness that may not stop, even with another attempt at reconciliation. I don’t know that true reconciliation can happen at this point, because I’m not altogether certain the other party wants it.
I get the feeling that they would be just as happy if I just walked away and gave up. I would be out of the way: the shards could be swept neatly into a dustbin – or under the rug. The energy and work required to develop trust and true respect could be spent on other things and other people.
I don’t know which is more hurtful- the initial falling out, or the “ongoing through the motions” situation, in which actions speak much more loudly than the words that indicate desire for healing. No. I take that back. It’s the waiting for real change to happen. It’s the hoping for the best and being disappointed time and again. And it’s not like I have super-high expectations at this point.
So… I am left to make a phone call that could have been a face-to-face, if only I hadn’t been scrupulously avoided. I am left to explain why it comes down to this timing, which involves so much more than busy lives. I am left wondering why this relationship, of all the people I live, work, learn and play with, is so fraught.
I only hope that someday it will be worth it… for me, for my family, and for the people who interact with a different me. The me who continues to learn and grow and change, hopefully for the better!

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